Escaping From Orbit: A Night Out On The Town In Fairbanks

NJ*Contains language, and offensive shit that’s humorous. Read at your own personal risk of decency*

Another Saturday evening was rolling by; it was that time to get away from the barracks and go out on the town! Home for me is now in Fairbanks, Alaska. Who would’ve seen that coming a year ago, I sure as hell didn’t. Besides the fact, I get a call from one of my new friends asking if I want to meet up at The Zone (yes that’s really the name). I was in the mood to go out and get some drinks, so I got a ride down there.

Arriving soon after, I go grab myself a beer and find my friend and we start chatting. We’re both new to Alaska so had plenty of stories to tell. I order another beer and get back to the table. For the last little bit we’d been screwing around on some of the dating sites looking at the ‘vast’ selection of single women in Fairbanks. During this time my buddy had been texting this girl and found out she wanted to meet up that night; she also had a friend. Dream scenario right?

He asked me if I’d be interested in going with him and having a double date of sorts with these random chicks. Intriguing as it was, I wanted to see a picture of said friend before agreeing. The one he was texting looked the size of a goddamned elephant. But hey, there’s a famine here when it comes to finding decent single girls, so maybe she just had an enormous personality too. Her friend looked alright enough from a picture I saw; decent enough to make me willing to tag along to this promiscuous event.

They weren’t quite 21 so going to a bar was out of the option. That left the only place we’d be willing to be seen in public with these two as the one movie theater in town. We grabbed a final drink and booked the Uber. It was time to go into the unknown horrors that were possibly going to arise. Horrors that came to be!

Shrill panic made the ride a bit stale as we don’t really know fully what to expect. We were coming up with various escape plans if a need came to abort, and flee from this escapade. The driver, whom listened to the extent of our conversation, wished us luck in what was to come. We arrived and didn’t see either of the girls around so we waited and discussed last minute emergency escape plans/routes.

Suddenly, best described in the words of the band AC/DC, “The walls start shaking
The earth was quaking,”. You could almost hear Fe Fi Fo Fum as they arrived. I thought I could see a crack in the ground from their origin of entry. If this were Jurassic Park, the water in the cup would’ve been moving far more vigorously than the force any T-Rex could’ve caused. The door opened and She… and her friend… entered the theater.

I may have exaggerated a tiny bit in that part. Call me an asshole all you want, but this is my account of the night so you’ll just have to fucking cry in a corner, or keep rolling with the story. Rolling with the story just like we could’ve rolled this this girl around town. To A situation made more interesting in that they brought so random ass third wheel. Who the fuck saw that coming? We sure didn’t!

By comparison, these other two were comparatively better looking than the girl my friend had been texting that got this whole thing organized in the first place. But there was no escape for him; he was already caught in her orbit. There was hope for me. I immediately wanted to flee the coop, but I’d already bought my movie ticket; It was $12 even with a discount. It was time to suck this shit up and see this movie.

During the film I was sitting between the two decent-ish looking broads; the one I was ‘supposed’ to be hanging with didn’t catch my interest at all. I tried to talk to Random Third Wheel to the left of me instead. She bit a little bit to the subtle conversation I was tossing her way. But not enough. I would’ve attempted to talk to the other one but fuck that. She was too close to the giant mass and I didn’t want to get sucked in her friend’s orbit too after the movie was over.

Finally! Finally this fucking movie ended. Me and my buddy (who managed to escape the pull of gravity) met me at the bottom of the stairs in the theater. We trailed behind the three girls and promiscuously got further and further from them. We were able to lose them by dipping into the bathroom for a couple minutes and then emerged in hopes that they had left.

They must’ve been thinking the same thing from reading the vibes we must’ve given off. They were nowhere to be seen. This was a time for immediate high fives of relief; all threats had left the building. Of course, the destruction still remained around the theater from the wake of there presence. The theater can and will rebuild. Our danger of being sucked into a full on black hole of blubber and terror had come to a halt.


Damn! I see you’ve made it to the end understanding the content of this article was strictly humor. Congrats on coming this far and I hope to see you soon. I’m back and they’ll be more content yet to come!

Comment your opinions below ( I’d love to hear them!) and as always: thanks for reading!

~J. A. Ross


© 11/11/2017


4 thoughts on “Escaping From Orbit: A Night Out On The Town In Fairbanks

  1. Beautiful Soul

    You’re a complete douche. I would rather be a gigantic, morbidly obese, wonderful person, than to ever be you nor anything like you. Regardless of the countless gramatical errors and typos you made throughout your tantrum, it appears you have the POTENTIAL to become a talented writer, if only you were able to pull your head out of your ass. It’s a shame that you’ve chosen to waste your talent on articles with a focus on tearing others down and general hate speech, even though you’re trying to cowardly brush it off as “humor”. I am not shocked your single, and you’ll likely remain that way for the inevitable future. Hopefully you become a better person sometime soon. God bless you.


    1. Rossj781

      It’s literally a joke article, I’m one for extreme humor. Honestly forgot to remove tags because I’m actually trying to make it like an Easter egg of hidden dark humor. Read my other posts, I refer to this as a rant article and it’s supposed to be absolutely offensive and over the top ridiculous. I can agree it’s pretty rough material, but it’s for a small target audience. Thank you for the criticism, feedback is great!


  2. Beautiful Soul

    I forgot to highlight this in my first post, which I do strongly doubt you’ll approve to be posted. But, nonetheless, i wanted to state my peace. What if one of those gals found this blog and the deplorable things you said about them? People kill themselves over things of this nature. Moreover, don’t you think the stance you took and the comments you made were extremely juvenile? Even if these women were not your preference in a woman, were severely overweight, not what mainstream America defines as “attractive” and/or had less than impressing conversational skills, DOES NOT mean you’re any better than they are! You should use your platform for good, not to tear others down in the name of being humorous; it’s simply not funny. Other people’s emotions and feelings, isn’t something to try and gain a laugh from. I’m certain you have the capacity to touch a lot of people and inspire others. I encourage you to take an honest look at yourself, you’re opinions, and the things you’re posting. I wish you security in your own self, and a less hateful heart.


    1. Rossj781

      I literally wrote it because a friend wanted to see a crude article. It’s on the page, and I give a warning about the content ahead of time. This article is lowkey, and I didn’t advertise it or anything. However I will leave it as it’s unlikely said person will know what it’s about. I have the wild sense of humor that if I was obese, I’d still crack up because I can tell the content is meant to be ridiculous.


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