My Crazy Morning

*Article contains some strong language.*

The only way I can describe today…thus far, is ridiculous, absurd, and insane. So it starts off the usual. It’s Wednesday, so I had to drive to my parent’s house to take my two young siblings to their school. No big deal, I have to get up a bit earlier and go out of my way to do the task, but I enjoy seeing them so it’s well worth it. This is when it started though. I throw on my clothes, put on my shoes, toss on a hat. I grab keys, phone, wallet….shit! The wallet, where the hell is it?

I frantically search all the way to the moon for it. I ran out to the car, checked the kitchen, living room; everywhere in my room. “Son of a bitch!” I exclaim. I’m in a deep panic now, it’s got my driver’s license, debit card, military ID, social security card… where could it be? Then I take notice to a few socks lying on my computer desk (clean of course) and I get suspicious. I walk over there and yank them off the desk; they land on my bed.

It was a moment where trumpets should’ve been playing, while a ray of light shown from the computer desk. In all of it’s glory, there lay my wallet. I wasn’t screwed! Gleefully I grabbed it, put it in my pocket, and I was on my way. Now it was time to drive among the morons of the road. Someone in a minivan next to me really wanted haul ass, and the speed limit was 50 mph. They were creeping up close to me so I did what I do best to these type of drivers.

I unleashed my powers of trolling…oh boy did I! I pulled out the old Utah dick move on this guy. I only save it for those who are in need of it. Now, I was still going a fair speed; 5 mph over the speed limit, so it wasn’t like I was slowing them down much. I kept glancing slightly behind behind me with childish joy as they tried to get around. Sorry, not happening guy. This continued until I got to the light just before my turn. They finally made it, but at least this improved my morning a bit. I got a laugh.

Well, I get the kids, and my monthly Loot Crate (woo!) waiting at the house, and then dropped the kids off at school. Time to head home. I get there and ecstatically look through the Loot Crate to see what I got. Some Deadpool and Walking Dead items… not too shabby! I then went to shower, and prepare for work. After, I my wash hands, and I get breakfast ready: remainder of my Beto’s burrito, and some microwave pretzel stuff (breakfast of champions people). I proceed to get the sauce out of the fridge, after setting the burrito on the table.

The sauce was placed on a lid as to avoid getting it on the wooden table. There’s a few items near it that had been set there prior to picking up the kids; I don’t think too much of it. I go to wash my hands again, because I’m weird like that and come back to the deliciousness bestowed upon my table. Those items were now starting to make me a little irate so I decide to take them to my room. Part of one the items brush the lid the sauce was sitting on. I can see what’s about to happen, but it’s too late!

Sauce goes everywhere! EVERYWHERE! Some ended up on the other side of the room. Even on the hallway wall that wasn’t facing the explosion. “What the fuck!? WHAT THE FUCKKKK!!!” I roared as I proceed to go velociraptor all over the apartment in anger. I had to leave for work in 10 minutes, and I was fresh out of paper towels, and I idiotically don’t have any cleaning towels. Another highly irritated, “Fuccck,” escapes me. I scramble about the apartment looking for something…anything to clean up this insufferable mess.

I fortunately uncover three blue hand towels that were waiting to be washed. Alright, time to get them even more dirty! I fill up a cup and soak the main site of the sauce spill disaster. Water meets carpet and then I scrub into it vigorously to remove this dreadful stain as best I could, with the little time that I had. Speaking of time, I glanced over at my clock. Shit! I’m definitely going to be late to work today. Not a problem, keep calm, I had 30 minutes of left over sick time to cover it. Whew!

All three rags are now soaked and covered in sauce, and there’s a faint red tint to the light brown carpet. It’ll have to do. I finish off the burrito, and then open the microwave to get the pretzels out. Damn! Some of the cheese leaked out; fantastic! I shrug and devour them, throw on some new pants, and rush out the door to my car. I get to my stoplight and there’s large delivery truck in front of me. This means I’ll be even later as it drove very slow, and it was just a one lane road with no passing. More velociraptor screams for my misfortune.

I finally arrive at work and bolt into the door, and head over to my cubicle. I clocked in. As some of you may know, I work as a chat rep in a call center so that doesn’t necessarily help anything if you’re in a bad mood, while getting that one occasional ignorant customer. Anyways, I finally get logged in and get to work. Over the next 30 minutes I start to feel my feet getting a bit warmer progressively, around my toes. What could be causing this? I mean, I know I work in Mordor with how hot they keep the building, but I needed to investigate.

It turns out I still had a small amount of hot sauce on my feet and it was causing it it rash up. Noooo! Not now! I’m at work! I threw some crumpled up paper towels from our break room on them and called it good. They stopped burning for the most part. So… at this point I was pretty irritated up until my break and finally the beast inside was calmed with what I love best; food. But alas, it was over. This bullshit morning had ended and noon welcomed me into it’s grasp. Today is my Friday, and I have pulled through. Or did I??

Thanks for reading about my crazy morning, which was chalk full of first world problems! If you have any responses you’d like to add, just put them in the comments below!

~J. A. Ross