Escaping From Orbit: A Night Out On The Town In Fairbanks

*Contains language, and offensive shit that’s humorous. Read at your own personal risk of decency*

Another Saturday evening was rolling by; it was that time to get away from the barracks and go out on the town! Home for me is now in Fairbanks, Alaska. Who would’ve seen that coming a year ago, I sure as hell didn’t. Besides the fact, I get a call from one of my new friends asking if I want to meet up at The Zone (yes that’s really the name). I was in the mood to go out and get some drinks, so I got a ride down there.

Arriving soon after, I go grab myself a beer and find my friend and we start chatting. We’re both new to Alaska so had plenty of stories to tell. I order another beer and get back to the table. For the last little bit we’d been screwing around on some of the dating sites looking at the ‘vast’ selection of single women in Fairbanks. During this time my buddy had been texting this girl and found out she wanted to meet up that night; she also had a friend. Dream scenario right?

He asked me if I’d be interested in going with him and having a double date of sorts with these random chicks. Intriguing as it was, I wanted to see a picture of said friend before agreeing. The one he was texting looked the size of a goddamned elephant. But hey, there’s a famine here when it comes to finding decent single girls, so maybe she just had an enormous personality too. Her friend looked alright enough from a picture I saw; decent enough to make me willing to tag along to this promiscuous event.

They weren’t quite 21 so going to a bar was out of the option. That left the only place we’d be willing to be seen in public with these two as the one movie theater in town. We grabbed a final drink and booked the Uber. It was time to go into the unknown horrors that were possibly going to arise. Horrors that came to be!

Shrill panic made the ride a bit stale as we don’t really know fully what to expect. We were coming up with various escape plans if a need came to abort, and flee from this escapade. The driver, whom listened to the extent of our conversation, wished us luck in what was to come. We arrived and didn’t see either of the girls around so we waited and discussed last minute emergency escape plans/routes.

Suddenly, best described in the words of the band AC/DC, “The walls start shaking
The earth was quaking,”. You could almost hear Fe Fi Fo Fum as they arrived. I thought I could see a crack in the ground from their origin of entry. If this were Jurassic Park, the water in the cup would’ve been moving far more vigorously than the force any T-Rex could’ve caused. The door opened and She… and her friend… entered the theater.

I may have exaggerated a tiny bit in that part. Call me an asshole all you want, but this is my account of the night so you’ll just have to fucking cry in a corner, or keep rolling with the story. Rolling with the story just like we could’ve rolled this this girl around town. To A situation made more interesting in that they brought so random ass third wheel. Who the fuck saw that coming? We sure didn’t!

By comparison, these other two were comparatively better looking than the girl my friend had been texting that got this whole thing organized in the first place. But there was no escape for him; he was already caught in her orbit. There was hope for me. I immediately wanted to flee the coop, but I’d already bought my movie ticket; It was $12 even with a discount. It was time to suck this shit up and see this movie.

During the film I was sitting between the two decent-ish looking broads; the one I was ‘supposed’ to be hanging with didn’t catch my interest at all. I tried to talk to Random Third Wheel to the left of me instead. She bit a little bit to the subtle conversation I was tossing her way. But not enough. I would’ve attempted to talk to the other one but fuck that. She was too close to the giant mass and I didn’t want to get sucked in her friend’s orbit too after the movie was over.

Finally! Finally this fucking movie ended. Me and my buddy (who managed to escape the pull of gravity) met me at the bottom of the stairs in the theater. We trailed behind the three girls and promiscuously got further and further from them. We were able to lose them by dipping into the bathroom for a couple minutes and then emerged in hopes that they had left.

They must’ve been thinking the same thing from reading the vibes we must’ve given off. They were nowhere to be seen. This was a time for immediate high fives of relief; all threats had left the building. Of course, the destruction still remained around the theater from the wake of there presence. The theater can and will rebuild. Our danger of being sucked into a full on black hole of blubber and terror had come to a halt.


Damn! I see you’ve made it to the end understanding the content of this article was strictly humor. Congrats on coming this far and I hope to see you soon. I’m back and they’ll be more content yet to come!

Comment your opinions below ( I’d love to hear them!) and as always: thanks for reading!

~J. A. Ross


© 11/11/2017


Small Business Launch!

As of today, I’ve launched a new business by name of J A Ross Photography! The goal is to sell my photos as prints, canvas, and more… at the most affordable price that I can. My other goal, is to make sure to use some of my profits to donate money to my community and try to help out. I decided it was time to start this business sooner, rather than originally intended.

With that all said, I still will be posting quality articles, photos, and poetry to this website… as I haven’t forgot about the people who have supported me, and my creative ambitions! Currently, there are two products up for sale (more coming very soon). Both photos have placed in a Landscapes photo competition through Photocrowd. Both competitions had 100 entries and I placed 39/100 and 50/100 for the two photos I entered. These earned them a crowd rating top 50% award.


These two were also featured on my website as well in the past.

Below is the link the my online store. Feel free to check it out! I’m looking to have some reviews to get some feedback!

~J. A. Ross

Driving in Utah 2017 Edition

It’s already deep into the Northern Utah winter and you know what that means: the god awful drivers and all of their glory are out of the roads. But this year isn’t like the past years; and with the amount of snow we’ve gotten compared to recent winter’s you better believe it!

This time, I’ve been stuck in it every day the last 2 weeks in a 60 mile commute (120 both ways). Now, the roads don’t have snow on them all of the time of course, that would be exaggerating, but typically in the early hours of the AM when I’m on the road they tend to be utterly hellish. For example, I don’t know why people do this out here on our roads, but when you’re in the passing lane, and a slow car is in front of you, they tend to not know when the hell to get over.

Say… you and the traffic in your lane is wanting to go around 80 mph, however the person in front of you only wants to go 7o mph. The speed limit is 7o so in any other lane that’s fine. Now when traffic wants to go 80, and everyone around you is tailgating you or passing you, and you’re still doing 70 or slower…maybe…… you should get the fuck in the other lane or drive faster! So I sit behind them as we’re slightly passing traffic in the next lane, and the asshole in front of me wants to keep holding traffic back, while I raptor screech at them from my own vehicle.

So, eventually the next lane clears up for a good stretch and the fool wants to keep going their snail speed. So, I say “to hell with it!” and take matters into my own hands proceed into the lane to the side of us to get ahead of them. Merge completed. I’m now filled with excitement; I’m going to pass these bastards! I speed up to get in front of this abomination in the passing (fast) lane next to me.

But hold up here; hold up… h-h-Hold up here! What in shit is this!? The slow car to the side of me is suddenly matching my speed? No, no, no! Why are they doing this, they’ve been doing 70 the last 4-5 miles and now they’re going nearly 80? That’s right, there seems to be some sort of mental disorder in our driver’s that they think they can’t allow people to get in front of or pass them.  Every other state I’ve been too, most people seem to know when they need to get over. In Utah, say adios to that logic!

So anyways, here I am sitting in my car wondering why the fuck this piece of work next to me suddenly wants to pull a different type of classic Utah dick move. Well wouldn’t you know it, a semi truck and another group of traffic are looming just ahead. So, I get back in the other lane to at least pass that upcoming cluster of vehicles. The car ahead is doing a cool 70 again… of course!

Eventually in this scenario I’ll manage to pass the moron, or they’ll miraculously catch the drift… after only 10-15 miles of holding up traffic in the lane, and get over whilst giving you the, “what did I do?” look as you pass them. Well, I’ll tell you what you did, not paying attention to your surroundings. Now Imagine this with snow, or very heavy rain. Fun, right?

Out of nowhere, all the same people that like going slow in general, always decide to go faster than what would be considered safe for these conditions. Granted, I avoid the fast lane, and often the middle lane in the crazy type of weather because you know, I like not dying and shit. And speak of the devil, What is that up the road? Oh, just the 5-6 car pile ups that were moved to the side of the road; or cars stuck in snow banks off the freeway. Even a few vehicles caught in more fatal accidents.

Well, it they’d have gotten their safety priorities straight, maybe they could’ve kept their happy asses alive on the road. It also doesn’t help that in this kind of weather you can barely see the white lines on the road you need to see to stay in your lane anyways. Going 80 mph through that certainly doesn’t help.

As mentioned earlier, most of this has in the AM going through the morning work rush past Salt Lake City and beyond. The way the freeway system and city layout is past there is certainly a major clusterfuck within it’s own accord which causes indefinitely more traffic, but more on that later. I’ve fortunately been getting off just early enough to beat the rush hour.

For now, we’ll keep seeing what more 2017 will bring to the table with our ‘wonderful’ drivers and if you ever have to come to Utah, or cut through, well…best of luck to you as always. Also, time it to where you’re nowhere near Salt Lake City, or the surrounding  valley during rush hour. If you are, you better have good car insurance!

To read the other articles in this series, click the following links below!

Original of the series:

Previous two:

Feel free to share and comment your opinions on the article. As always, I enjoy feedback from my readers!

~J. A. Ross

© 01/21/2017