Category: humor

How I Got Locked Inside A Bathroom Trailer

On By Rossj781In blog, funny, humor, life, Photography, travel, writingLeave a comment

Here I was in Guatemala with another day seemingly coming to an end. It’d been hot one as with all the other ones, and the humidity was through the roof as usual for this country. I was off duty and closing in on that time of the day, so… I headed to one of the trailer bathrooms to utilize it. This was about 4 days or so into our two week mission we had with a couple other Army units, and an Airforce group. Everyone was still getting adjusted to this exotic area. I get to the trailer and manage to find an empty one. The lock on the inside was broken although not thinking much about this, I dealt with it and did my business.

At one point someone knocked, and I yelled out it was occupied. There was a brief sound of was appeared to be someone bumping the door then went away. It was probably 20-25 degrees hotter inside each of the 6 separate bathroom stalls per trailer. To say the least; I didn’t want to spend more time in there than what I had to. So that’s what I did, or… would’ve done. After washing my hands I was eager to get back outside to the ‘cooler’ 85 degree weather as it was about 7 PM, and the sun had already set.

I reached to push the door open but it wouldn’t budge. What the hell is up with this? I sure didn’t lock it! I kept struggling to get the door open, but the damn thing wouldn’t give. I’m sure you’re wondering what type of moron I was to get myself locked inside a bathroom trailer stall. Well I don’t want to appear cliche when I say it wasn’t my fault,…. but it wasn’t my fault! Here’s why: these bathroom stalls on the trailer each had a lock on the outside as well as the inside. These locks on the exterior keep the doors from opening while pulling the trailer.

Locks on the inside to give you the ability to get out in case of the outside one getting locked mistakenly. This would’ve worked great for me, but my interior lock was fucking broken! I tried to twist the mechanism to get it to turn but it wasn’t wanting to budge. It was jammed and I couldn’t get the leverage for it to move,(I spent 3 or 4 minutes trying to turn it). Now I was in a bit of a panic mode with it appearing to get even hotter the longer I was in there. I did the next sensible thing and began banging the hell out of the door and yelling for someone to help out.

I kept this up for nearly 10 additional minutes and still no response. The bathrooms were away from the tents in which we stayed therefore they couldn’t hear me from that area. It wasn’t the busier part of the night either when people brushed their teeth and prepped for bed. Luckily I had my phone on me while suddenly remembering one of the guys in my group had service too; I possessed their number within my contacts. I send them a hurried message asking for help; notifying I’m locked in a bathroom. I’d  been in this damn thing for almost 25 minutes at this point (counting using the actual bathroom), and sweat profusely ran down my body.

Two minutes pass; eventually I get a response back. Yes! YES! I’m going to be freed from my toilet cell of doom! The actual response was a very lively stating, “Are you fucking serious?” I replied back, “It’s locked from the outside.” He asked which one trailer and stall. I gave him the best instructions I could and he found it about 6-7 minutes later. I had been continually banging on the door the entire time so he could find the right one.

Outside, I could hear someone faintly approaching through the noise of the generators. Suddenly, the lock on the outside makes a clicking sound and it’s unlocked. They open the door. The nice, cooling 85 Degree breeze rocks through the opening. He look at me and asked how in the hell this happened. I explained defiantly that someone accidentally messed with the outside lock. At this point I had sweated so much (Certainly I looked ridiculous) that it looked as if I’d just taken a shower. I hadn’t yet, but definitely needed one at that point in time!

Overall, I spent nearly 35 minutes in this likely 115-120 degree trailer and at the end I’d been virtually exhausted from banging on the doors in that kind of heat. I took some crap for the incident a good remainder of the mission, but it was all in good fun. I was simply happy someone was able to help me and that I didn’t die from heat exhaustion in there. Not dying is always the scenario I prefer!

If you have any opinions or questions on this article, comment below. As always, thanks for reading!

~J. A. Ross

© RossJ781.com 01/24/2017

 

 

 

Driving in Utah 2017 Edition

On By Rossj781In blog, featured, funny, humor, inspiration, life, Photography, travel, writingLeave a comment

It’s already deep into the Northern Utah winter and you know what that means: the god awful drivers and all of their glory are out of the roads. But this year isn’t like the past years; and with the amount of snow we’ve gotten compared to recent winter’s you better believe it!

This time, I’ve been stuck in it every day the last 2 weeks in a 60 mile commute (120 both ways). Now, the roads don’t have snow on them all of the time of course, that would be exaggerating, but typically in the early hours of the AM when I’m on the road they tend to be utterly hellish. For example, I don’t know why people do this out here on our roads, but when you’re in the passing lane, and a slow car is in front of you, they tend to not know when the hell to get over.

Say… you and the traffic in your lane is wanting to go around 80 mph, however the person in front of you only wants to go 7o mph. The speed limit is 7o so in any other lane that’s fine. Now when traffic wants to go 80, and everyone around you is tailgating you or passing you, and you’re still doing 70 or slower…maybe…… you should get the fuck in the other lane or drive faster! So I sit behind them as we’re slightly passing traffic in the next lane, and the asshole in front of me wants to keep holding traffic back, while I raptor screech at them from my own vehicle.

So, eventually the next lane clears up for a good stretch and the fool wants to keep going their snail speed. So, I say “to hell with it!” and take matters into my own hands proceed into the lane to the side of us to get ahead of them. Merge completed. I’m now filled with excitement; I’m going to pass these bastards! I speed up to get in front of this abomination in the passing (fast) lane next to me.

But hold up here; hold up… h-h-Hold up here! What in shit is this!? The slow car to the side of me is suddenly matching my speed? No, no, no! Why are they doing this, they’ve been doing 70 the last 4-5 miles and now they’re going nearly 80? That’s right, there seems to be some sort of mental disorder in our driver’s that they think they can’t allow people to get in front of or pass them.  Every other state I’ve been too, most people seem to know when they need to get over. In Utah, say adios to that logic!

So anyways, here I am sitting in my car wondering why the fuck this piece of work next to me suddenly wants to pull a different type of classic Utah dick move. Well wouldn’t you know it, a semi truck and another group of traffic are looming just ahead. So, I get back in the other lane to at least pass that upcoming cluster of vehicles. The car ahead is doing a cool 70 again… of course!

Eventually in this scenario I’ll manage to pass the moron, or they’ll miraculously catch the drift… after only 10-15 miles of holding up traffic in the lane, and get over whilst giving you the, “what did I do?” look as you pass them. Well, I’ll tell you what you did, not paying attention to your surroundings. Now Imagine this with snow, or very heavy rain. Fun, right?

Out of nowhere, all the same people that like going slow in general, always decide to go faster than what would be considered safe for these conditions. Granted, I avoid the fast lane, and often the middle lane in the crazy type of weather because you know, I like not dying and shit. And speak of the devil, What is that up the road? Oh, just the 5-6 car pile ups that were moved to the side of the road; or cars stuck in snow banks off the freeway. Even a few vehicles caught in more fatal accidents.

Well, it they’d have gotten their safety priorities straight, maybe they could’ve kept their happy asses alive on the road. It also doesn’t help that in this kind of weather you can barely see the white lines on the road you need to see to stay in your lane anyways. Going 80 mph through that certainly doesn’t help.

As mentioned earlier, most of this has in the AM going through the morning work rush past Salt Lake City and beyond. The way the freeway system and city layout is past there is certainly a major clusterfuck within it’s own accord which causes indefinitely more traffic, but more on that later. I’ve fortunately been getting off just early enough to beat the rush hour.

For now, we’ll keep seeing what more 2017 will bring to the table with our ‘wonderful’ drivers and if you ever have to come to Utah, or cut through, well…best of luck to you as always. Also, time it to where you’re nowhere near Salt Lake City, or the surrounding  valley during rush hour. If you are, you better have good car insurance!

To read the other articles in this series, click the following links below!

Original of the series:

https://rossj781.com/2015/10/24/another-day-driving-in-utah/

Previous two:

https://rossj781.com/2015/12/01/driving-in-utah-the-daily-struggle/

https://rossj781.com/2016/01/16/driving-in-utah-the-winter-edition/

Feel free to share and comment your opinions on the article. As always, I enjoy feedback from my readers!

~J. A. Ross

© RossJ781.com 01/21/2017

I’m Maybe A Little Intoxicated

On By Rossj781In blog, humor, inspiration, poem, poems, poetry, Reddit, writingLeave a comment

I decided to have a few drinks and make a haiku. My sense of humor may be a little fucked eh? Don’t let this be a example of most of my normal works of course, but everyone should have a little fun every now and again right?….I’m going to break that silence and answer that for you…Yep!

Uncontrollable;

the world spins all around me.

What’s real; What isn’t?

~J. A. Ross