Escaping From Orbit: A Night Out On The Town In Fairbanks

*Contains language, and offensive shit that’s humorous. Read at your own personal risk of decency*

Another Saturday evening was rolling by; it was that time to get away from the barracks and go out on the town! Home for me is now in Fairbanks, Alaska. Who would’ve seen that coming a year ago, I sure as hell didn’t. Besides the fact, I get a call from one of my new friends asking if I want to meet up at The Zone (yes that’s really the name). I was in the mood to go out and get some drinks, so I got a ride down there.

Arriving soon after, I go grab myself a beer and find my friend and we start chatting. We’re both new to Alaska so had plenty of stories to tell. I order another beer and get back to the table. For the last little bit we’d been screwing around on some of the dating sites looking at the ‘vast’ selection of single women in Fairbanks. During this time my buddy had been texting this girl and found out she wanted to meet up that night; she also had a friend. Dream scenario right?

He asked me if I’d be interested in going with him and having a double date of sorts with these random chicks. Intriguing as it was, I wanted to see a picture of said friend before agreeing. The one he was texting looked the size of a goddamned elephant. But hey, there’s a famine here when it comes to finding decent single girls, so maybe she just had an enormous personality too. Her friend looked alright enough from a picture I saw; decent enough to make me willing to tag along to this promiscuous event.

They weren’t quite 21 so going to a bar was out of the option. That left the only place we’d be willing to be seen in public with these two as the one movie theater in town. We grabbed a final drink and booked the Uber. It was time to go into the unknown horrors that were possibly going to arise. Horrors that came to be!

Shrill panic made the ride a bit stale as we don’t really know fully what to expect. We were coming up with various escape plans if a need came to abort, and flee from this escapade. The driver, whom listened to the extent of our conversation, wished us luck in what was to come. We arrived and didn’t see either of the girls around so we waited and discussed last minute emergency escape plans/routes.

Suddenly, best described in the words of the band AC/DC, “The walls start shaking
The earth was quaking,”. You could almost hear Fe Fi Fo Fum as they arrived. I thought I could see a crack in the ground from their origin of entry. If this were Jurassic Park, the water in the cup would’ve been moving far more vigorously than the force any T-Rex could’ve caused. The door opened and She… and her friend… entered the theater.

I may have exaggerated a tiny bit in that part. Call me an asshole all you want, but this is my account of the night so you’ll just have to fucking cry in a corner, or keep rolling with the story. Rolling with the story just like we could’ve rolled this this girl around town. To A situation made more interesting in that they brought so random ass third wheel. Who the fuck saw that coming? We sure didn’t!

By comparison, these other two were comparatively better looking than the girl my friend had been texting that got this whole thing organized in the first place. But there was no escape for him; he was already caught in her orbit. There was hope for me. I immediately wanted to flee the coop, but I’d already bought my movie ticket; It was $12 even with a discount. It was time to suck this shit up and see this movie.

During the film I was sitting between the two decent-ish looking broads; the one I was ‘supposed’ to be hanging with didn’t catch my interest at all. I tried to talk to Random Third Wheel to the left of me instead. She bit a little bit to the subtle conversation I was tossing her way. But not enough. I would’ve attempted to talk to the other one but fuck that. She was too close to the giant mass and I didn’t want to get sucked in her friend’s orbit too after the movie was over.

Finally! Finally this fucking movie ended. Me and my buddy (who managed to escape the pull of gravity) met me at the bottom of the stairs in the theater. We trailed behind the three girls and promiscuously got further and further from them. We were able to lose them by dipping into the bathroom for a couple minutes and then emerged in hopes that they had left.

They must’ve been thinking the same thing from reading the vibes we must’ve given off. They were nowhere to be seen. This was a time for immediate high fives of relief; all threats had left the building. Of course, the destruction still remained around the theater from the wake of there presence. The theater can and will rebuild. Our danger of being sucked into a full on black hole of blubber and terror had come to a halt.

 

Damn! I see you’ve made it to the end understanding the content of this article was strictly humor. Congrats on coming this far and I hope to see you soon. I’m back and they’ll be more content yet to come!

Comment your opinions below ( I’d love to hear them!) and as always: thanks for reading!

~J. A. Ross

 

© RossJ781.com 11/11/2017

 

How I Got Locked Inside A Bathroom Trailer

Here I was in Guatemala with another day seemingly coming to an end. It’d been hot one as with all the other ones, and the humidity was through the roof as usual for this country. I was off duty and closing in on that time of the day, so… I headed to one of the trailer bathrooms to utilize it. This was about 4 days or so into our two week mission we had with a couple other Army units, and an Airforce group. Everyone was still getting adjusted to this exotic area. I get to the trailer and manage to find an empty one. The lock on the inside was broken although not thinking much about this, I dealt with it and did my business.

At one point someone knocked, and I yelled out it was occupied. There was a brief sound of was appeared to be someone bumping the door then went away. It was probably 20-25 degrees hotter inside each of the 6 separate bathroom stalls per trailer. To say the least; I didn’t want to spend more time in there than what I had to. So that’s what I did, or… would’ve done. After washing my hands I was eager to get back outside to the ‘cooler’ 85 degree weather as it was about 7 PM, and the sun had already set.

I reached to push the door open but it wouldn’t budge. What the hell is up with this? I sure didn’t lock it! I kept struggling to get the door open, but the damn thing wouldn’t give. I’m sure you’re wondering what type of moron I was to get myself locked inside a bathroom trailer stall. Well I don’t want to appear cliche when I say it wasn’t my fault,…. but it wasn’t my fault! Here’s why: these bathroom stalls on the trailer each had a lock on the outside as well as the inside. These locks on the exterior keep the doors from opening while pulling the trailer.

Locks on the inside to give you the ability to get out in case of the outside one getting locked mistakenly. This would’ve worked great for me, but my interior lock was fucking broken! I tried to twist the mechanism to get it to turn but it wasn’t wanting to budge. It was jammed and I couldn’t get the leverage for it to move,(I spent 3 or 4 minutes trying to turn it). Now I was in a bit of a panic mode with it appearing to get even hotter the longer I was in there. I did the next sensible thing and began banging the hell out of the door and yelling for someone to help out.

I kept this up for nearly 10 additional minutes and still no response. The bathrooms were away from the tents in which we stayed therefore they couldn’t hear me from that area. It wasn’t the busier part of the night either when people brushed their teeth and prepped for bed. Luckily I had my phone on me while suddenly remembering one of the guys in my group had service too; I possessed their number within my contacts. I send them a hurried message asking for help; notifying I’m locked in a bathroom. I’d  been in this damn thing for almost 25 minutes at this point (counting using the actual bathroom), and sweat profusely ran down my body.

Two minutes pass; eventually I get a response back. Yes! YES! I’m going to be freed from my toilet cell of doom! The actual response was a very lively stating, “Are you fucking serious?” I replied back, “It’s locked from the outside.” He asked which one trailer and stall. I gave him the best instructions I could and he found it about 6-7 minutes later. I had been continually banging on the door the entire time so he could find the right one.

Outside, I could hear someone faintly approaching through the noise of the generators. Suddenly, the lock on the outside makes a clicking sound and it’s unlocked. They open the door. The nice, cooling 85 Degree breeze rocks through the opening. He look at me and asked how in the hell this happened. I explained defiantly that someone accidentally messed with the outside lock. At this point I had sweated so much (Certainly I looked ridiculous) that it looked as if I’d just taken a shower. I hadn’t yet, but definitely needed one at that point in time!

Overall, I spent nearly 35 minutes in this likely 115-120 degree trailer and at the end I’d been virtually exhausted from banging on the doors in that kind of heat. I took some crap for the incident a good remainder of the mission, but it was all in good fun. I was simply happy someone was able to help me and that I didn’t die from heat exhaustion in there. Not dying is always the scenario I prefer!

If you have any opinions or questions on this article, comment below. As always, thanks for reading!

~J. A. Ross

© RossJ781.com 01/24/2017

 

 

 

Driving in Utah 2017 Edition

It’s already deep into the Northern Utah winter and you know what that means: the god awful drivers and all of their glory are out of the roads. But this year isn’t like the past years; and with the amount of snow we’ve gotten compared to recent winter’s you better believe it!

This time, I’ve been stuck in it every day the last 2 weeks in a 60 mile commute (120 both ways). Now, the roads don’t have snow on them all of the time of course, that would be exaggerating, but typically in the early hours of the AM when I’m on the road they tend to be utterly hellish. For example, I don’t know why people do this out here on our roads, but when you’re in the passing lane, and a slow car is in front of you, they tend to not know when the hell to get over.

Say… you and the traffic in your lane is wanting to go around 80 mph, however the person in front of you only wants to go 7o mph. The speed limit is 7o so in any other lane that’s fine. Now when traffic wants to go 80, and everyone around you is tailgating you or passing you, and you’re still doing 70 or slower…maybe…… you should get the fuck in the other lane or drive faster! So I sit behind them as we’re slightly passing traffic in the next lane, and the asshole in front of me wants to keep holding traffic back, while I raptor screech at them from my own vehicle.

So, eventually the next lane clears up for a good stretch and the fool wants to keep going their snail speed. So, I say “to hell with it!” and take matters into my own hands proceed into the lane to the side of us to get ahead of them. Merge completed. I’m now filled with excitement; I’m going to pass these bastards! I speed up to get in front of this abomination in the passing (fast) lane next to me.

But hold up here; hold up… h-h-Hold up here! What in shit is this!? The slow car to the side of me is suddenly matching my speed? No, no, no! Why are they doing this, they’ve been doing 70 the last 4-5 miles and now they’re going nearly 80? That’s right, there seems to be some sort of mental disorder in our driver’s that they think they can’t allow people to get in front of or pass them.  Every other state I’ve been too, most people seem to know when they need to get over. In Utah, say adios to that logic!

So anyways, here I am sitting in my car wondering why the fuck this piece of work next to me suddenly wants to pull a different type of classic Utah dick move. Well wouldn’t you know it, a semi truck and another group of traffic are looming just ahead. So, I get back in the other lane to at least pass that upcoming cluster of vehicles. The car ahead is doing a cool 70 again… of course!

Eventually in this scenario I’ll manage to pass the moron, or they’ll miraculously catch the drift… after only 10-15 miles of holding up traffic in the lane, and get over whilst giving you the, “what did I do?” look as you pass them. Well, I’ll tell you what you did, not paying attention to your surroundings. Now Imagine this with snow, or very heavy rain. Fun, right?

Out of nowhere, all the same people that like going slow in general, always decide to go faster than what would be considered safe for these conditions. Granted, I avoid the fast lane, and often the middle lane in the crazy type of weather because you know, I like not dying and shit. And speak of the devil, What is that up the road? Oh, just the 5-6 car pile ups that were moved to the side of the road; or cars stuck in snow banks off the freeway. Even a few vehicles caught in more fatal accidents.

Well, it they’d have gotten their safety priorities straight, maybe they could’ve kept their happy asses alive on the road. It also doesn’t help that in this kind of weather you can barely see the white lines on the road you need to see to stay in your lane anyways. Going 80 mph through that certainly doesn’t help.

As mentioned earlier, most of this has in the AM going through the morning work rush past Salt Lake City and beyond. The way the freeway system and city layout is past there is certainly a major clusterfuck within it’s own accord which causes indefinitely more traffic, but more on that later. I’ve fortunately been getting off just early enough to beat the rush hour.

For now, we’ll keep seeing what more 2017 will bring to the table with our ‘wonderful’ drivers and if you ever have to come to Utah, or cut through, well…best of luck to you as always. Also, time it to where you’re nowhere near Salt Lake City, or the surrounding  valley during rush hour. If you are, you better have good car insurance!

To read the other articles in this series, click the following links below!

Original of the series:

https://rossj781.com/2015/10/24/another-day-driving-in-utah/

Previous two:

https://rossj781.com/2015/12/01/driving-in-utah-the-daily-struggle/

https://rossj781.com/2016/01/16/driving-in-utah-the-winter-edition/

Feel free to share and comment your opinions on the article. As always, I enjoy feedback from my readers!

~J. A. Ross

© RossJ781.com 01/21/2017

Thought of the Day #10 ~ Set A Trap at Starbucks

So, I saw a Starbucks today and this came to mind: if you’re looking to go white girl hunting, all you have to do is just set a trap with a pumpkin spice latte (especially with them being out of season), and throw the latest iPhone next to it. Boom! Simple as that! It’s a sure fire thing.

On a lesser note, I’m a little disappointed those lattes are out of season now; I kind of want one…

~J. A. Ross

© RossJ781.com 2/25/2016

Thought of the Day #9 – Short Opinion on the New Like Facebook Like System

So, as most of you know… Facebook introduced a new system for their ‘like’ process. Instead of the classic ‘like button’ on the posts, you can now: like, love, haha, wow, sad angry. Seriously? They add that garbage and still don’t have a dislike button with the thumbs down. Where the hell is our dislike button Facebook?? I’ll trade you that garbage for it. Angry face isn’t good enough!

Any thought’s? Any other ‘dislike’ button supporters out there? Share your thoughts, I’d love to hear them.

~J. A. Ross

 

My Crazy Morning

*Article contains some strong language.*

The only way I can describe today…thus far, is ridiculous, absurd, and insane. So it starts off the usual. It’s Wednesday, so I had to drive to my parent’s house to take my two young siblings to their school. No big deal, I have to get up a bit earlier and go out of my way to do the task, but I enjoy seeing them so it’s well worth it. This is when it started though. I throw on my clothes, put on my shoes, toss on a hat. I grab keys, phone, wallet….shit! The wallet, where the hell is it?

I frantically search all the way to the moon for it. I ran out to the car, checked the kitchen, living room; everywhere in my room. “Son of a bitch!” I exclaim. I’m in a deep panic now, it’s got my driver’s license, debit card, military ID, social security card… where could it be? Then I take notice to a few socks lying on my computer desk (clean of course) and I get suspicious. I walk over there and yank them off the desk; they land on my bed.

It was a moment where trumpets should’ve been playing, while a ray of light shown from the computer desk. In all of it’s glory, there lay my wallet. I wasn’t screwed! Gleefully I grabbed it, put it in my pocket, and I was on my way. Now it was time to drive among the morons of the road. Someone in a minivan next to me really wanted haul ass, and the speed limit was 50 mph. They were creeping up close to me so I did what I do best to these type of drivers.

I unleashed my powers of trolling…oh boy did I! I pulled out the old Utah dick move on this guy. I only save it for those who are in need of it. Now, I was still going a fair speed; 5 mph over the speed limit, so it wasn’t like I was slowing them down much. I kept glancing slightly behind behind me with childish joy as they tried to get around. Sorry, not happening guy. This continued until I got to the light just before my turn. They finally made it, but at least this improved my morning a bit. I got a laugh.

Well, I get the kids, and my monthly Loot Crate (woo!) waiting at the house, and then dropped the kids off at school. Time to head home. I get there and ecstatically look through the Loot Crate to see what I got. Some Deadpool and Walking Dead items… not too shabby! I then went to shower, and prepare for work. After, I my wash hands, and I get breakfast ready: remainder of my Beto’s burrito, and some microwave pretzel stuff (breakfast of champions people). I proceed to get the sauce out of the fridge, after setting the burrito on the table.

The sauce was placed on a lid as to avoid getting it on the wooden table. There’s a few items near it that had been set there prior to picking up the kids; I don’t think too much of it. I go to wash my hands again, because I’m weird like that and come back to the deliciousness bestowed upon my table. Those items were now starting to make me a little irate so I decide to take them to my room. Part of one the items brush the lid the sauce was sitting on. I can see what’s about to happen, but it’s too late!

Sauce goes everywhere! EVERYWHERE! Some ended up on the other side of the room. Even on the hallway wall that wasn’t facing the explosion. “What the fuck!? WHAT THE FUCKKKK!!!” I roared as I proceed to go velociraptor all over the apartment in anger. I had to leave for work in 10 minutes, and I was fresh out of paper towels, and I idiotically don’t have any cleaning towels. Another highly irritated, “Fuccck,” escapes me. I scramble about the apartment looking for something…anything to clean up this insufferable mess.

I fortunately uncover three blue hand towels that were waiting to be washed. Alright, time to get them even more dirty! I fill up a cup and soak the main site of the sauce spill disaster. Water meets carpet and then I scrub into it vigorously to remove this dreadful stain as best I could, with the little time that I had. Speaking of time, I glanced over at my clock. Shit! I’m definitely going to be late to work today. Not a problem, keep calm, I had 30 minutes of left over sick time to cover it. Whew!

All three rags are now soaked and covered in sauce, and there’s a faint red tint to the light brown carpet. It’ll have to do. I finish off the burrito, and then open the microwave to get the pretzels out. Damn! Some of the cheese leaked out; fantastic! I shrug and devour them, throw on some new pants, and rush out the door to my car. I get to my stoplight and there’s large delivery truck in front of me. This means I’ll be even later as it drove very slow, and it was just a one lane road with no passing. More velociraptor screams for my misfortune.

I finally arrive at work and bolt into the door, and head over to my cubicle. I clocked in. As some of you may know, I work as a chat rep in a call center so that doesn’t necessarily help anything if you’re in a bad mood, while getting that one occasional ignorant customer. Anyways, I finally get logged in and get to work. Over the next 30 minutes I start to feel my feet getting a bit warmer progressively, around my toes. What could be causing this? I mean, I know I work in Mordor with how hot they keep the building, but I needed to investigate.

It turns out I still had a small amount of hot sauce on my feet and it was causing it it rash up. Noooo! Not now! I’m at work! I threw some crumpled up paper towels from our break room on them and called it good. They stopped burning for the most part. So… at this point I was pretty irritated up until my break and finally the beast inside was calmed with what I love best; food. But alas, it was over. This bullshit morning had ended and noon welcomed me into it’s grasp. Today is my Friday, and I have pulled through. Or did I??

Thanks for reading about my crazy morning, which was chalk full of first world problems! If you have any responses you’d like to add, just put them in the comments below!

~J. A. Ross

© RossJ781.com 2/23/2016